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SCENE ONE OFFICE
SCENE WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM.
MISS SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A LITTLE WITH HER.
MISS BRIGGS: CARLY, GET IN HERE. NOW.
MISS SNAPS HER FINGER AND CARLY WALKS IN.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: A SEAT.
WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL.
YES, I DID.
MISS PUNK!
PRINCIPAL MISS BRIGGS!
MISS IM CALM.
FRANKLIN: CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH
PRINCIPAL BREAKS OUT LAUGHING.
MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A
WELL, I
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
CARLY: NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER AND A WIDER SNOUT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS?
CARLY: WELL, IF YOU THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY TELL
CARLY AND PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN ARGUING.
MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS.
CARLY: MY FATHERS IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW.
PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY.
MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER!
CARLY: MY BROTHER, SPENCER.
BRIGGS: OH, YES. THE ARTIST.
CARLY: HES A ARTIST!
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT?
MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALENT THIS YEAR.
CARLY: YEAH, YOURE THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY.
BRIGGS: NO. YOU ARE!
CARLY:
MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE FOR ME.
MISS BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A PAPER AND CARLY IT.
CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE PLAY LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY!
BRIGGS: NOT ANYMORE.
CARLY: AW, ON!
MISS ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
RHINOCEROS.
MISS BRIGGS: (YELLING AND TO THE DOOR) GET OUT!
RIGHT.
CARLY GRABS HER AND LEAVES.

SCENE TWO HALLWAY
SCENE OPENS WITH SAM A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER.
LET ME GO!
SAM: SAY SORRY!
IM SORRY.
SAM: NOW ARE YOU SORRY FOR?
KID: FOR YOURE IGGRESIVE!
SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES.
SAM: AND AM I AGAIN?
KID: AND SWEET.
SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE NEXT
CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER.
OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR!
(ANGRY) HI!
SAM: DID YOU GET IN
CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU!
SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME.
CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) WELL AN IDEA.
SAM:
CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) DOING BAD THINGS!
CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER AND SAM FOLLOWS.
HEY, CHILL-AX!
CARLY: I NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW.
NO WAY, GROSS.
CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS PUNISHMENT TOO!
ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD YOU RIGHT IN THE HEAD.
WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND!
CARLY: TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU MINE?
CARLY WALKS A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN.
SAM: BECAUSE IM A PERSON!

THREE CARLYS APARTMENT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE.
YOU DROPPED THIS!
CARLY TAKES THE BOTTLE.
UH, THANKS. BUT YOU
FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU HOME SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY!
CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME?
(LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO!
FREDDIE.
YES.
CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET OVER CRUSH THING.
FREDDIE: I AM IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN.
OH GOD.
CARLY WALKS TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND.
FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS.
YEAH, BUT ILL JUST USE MY BROTHERS.
FREDDIE OUT HIS PHONE.
FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS.
CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE.
FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT!
CARLY HER DOOR AND RUNS INSIDE.
IM HOME.
HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE.
CARLY UP AT THE CEILING.
IM TAKING SOME PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE!
SPENCER POINTS CAMERA AT SCULPTURE AND A PICTURE.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD.
SPENCER: SAYING IM ABNORMAL?
CARLY: DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF!
SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED AROUND THIS
SPENCER ON THE FLOOR AND SCREAMS.
CARLY: I CANT YOURE IN CHARGE OF ME.
SPENCER: PLEASE HELP ME UP.
CARLY SPENCER UP.
CARLY: ARE YOU
YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC.
SPENCER FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS UP.
SPENCER: YEP! FIXED HER.
CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR.
SHOOT.
CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A OF AUDITIONS AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY.
FUN!
CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW VIDEOCAMERA.
SPENCER: I
AWESOME!
THOUGH, I CANT.
CARLY: WHY
SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL.
SPENCER: I IT INTO A SQUIRREL.

SCENE FOUR 1 AUDITIONS ROOM
OPENS WITH CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE.
CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD!
CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP.
MORNING, CARLY.
SEE YA IN A SEC.
CARLY UP.
FREDDIE!
FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU OF MY EQUIPMENT?
CARLY: I JUST TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS?
FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE!
FREDDIE BRINGS A OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR.
HEY, YOU INVITED THE DOOF!
SAM!
FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE.
FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW WAS GONNA BE HERE!
SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL.
BARELY.
OOOHHH!
FREDDIE: YOU JUST KEEP YOUR OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT.
SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY
FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA!
SAM WALKS OVER TO FREDDIE AND HER THROAT.
CARLY WILL NEVER LOVE YOU
FREDDIE: OKAY. THATS IT. IM TAKING MY AND IM GOING HOME.
FREDDIE UP HIS CAMERA.
(IN A SWEET VOICE) PLEASE STAY!
FREDDIE PUTS HIS DOWN.
OKAY.
SCENE PART 2 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE.
HEY, JEB. READY TO AUDITION?
JEB: YEAH. I BE PERFORMING A FRECH PLAY CALLED LE U E MAPHEME.
OKAY
CARLY: WE DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING?
FREDDIE ON HIS CAMERA.
ROLLING.
JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO?
JEB A MUSTACHE ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
JEB: WHEN WILL SHE BE
JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS OFF.
JEB: WELL WHERE CAN I HER?
JEB PUTS HIS ON.
JEB: I YOU, I DO NOT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP HE WALKS OFFSTAGE.
SAM: WHAT YA
I DONT KNOW!
SAM: YOU KNOW?
CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW!
BUT YOU MUST KNOW!
CARLY: HOW CAN I IF I DO NOT KNOW?
I DONT KNOW.
SCENE FOUR 3 AUDITIONS ROOM.
SCENE WITH GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP.
FOUR PART 4 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK THEY ARE DISGUSTED.
FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND AND SAM LOOK TIRED.
TARAN: I WILL BE PLAYING TRUMPET.
COOL.
NICE.
TARAN: WHILE ON THIS POGO-STICK.
TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP.
NICE!
CARLY: NOW THATS IM TALKING ABOUT!
SAM: AND BLOW-HO!
SCENE FOUR PART 6 AUDITIONS
SCENE WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE.
KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA!
CARLY AND SAM START WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE.
THANKS!
CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING.
SAM: NOT FUNNY.
NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
SAM WALKS OVER TO THE STAGE AND STANDS UP.
SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE BRIGGS!
CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT MISS BRIGGS CRAZY BOOBS!
FREDDIE POINTS AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY.
(LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE?
CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA!
SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD POKE AN EYE OUT ONE OF THOSE THINGS!
CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. STILL GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE.
SAM: OOH!
CALM DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE.
SCENE FOUR 5 AUDITIONS ROOM
OPENS WITH KID RAPPING HORRIBLY.
AND I WAS WRONG.
SCENE FIVE CARLYS AT NIGHT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP.
CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, WAKE UP!
PUTS HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS.
SAM: TIME IS IT?
CARLY: LATE. WHENS YOURE MOM COMING TO YOU UP?
SAM: SHES NOT. I TOLD HER YOU ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT.
CARLY: I INVITE YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT!
WELL YOU SHOULD CUZ IM NOT LEAVING.
CARLY WALKS TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING.
SAM: WHATCHA
CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE.
SAM: I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER SHE CALLED ME A DEMON?
(YELLING) NO!
SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW CHICKEN IN HER
CARLY: UP AND COME LOOK AT THIS!
SAM OVER TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: FREDDIE DIDNT UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS?
CARLY: NO. HE US!
SAM:
LOOK!
SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS POINTY BOOBS.
SAM: US!
CARLY: IS!
SAM: FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY!
CARLY SCARED.
CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER POINTY BOOBS!
SAM: WHOA! IF SHE THAT
ANYONE CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE.
OKAY, CHILL-AX.
SAM AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE CLICKED ON IT.
OH. OKAY, GOOD.
CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM?
SAM:
(YELLING) THATS 27,000!
SAM OUT OF CHAIR.